Very few responsibilities in life are as profound as motherhood. From the decision to carry the child to term, the sometimes-arduous nine-month journey to the glorious moment of birth is nothing short of divine and totally sublime. It is also widely accepted that the complementing presence of a mother and father, is foundational for a child’s development. Indeed, data from research on demography and child health indicate that children raised with both biological parents present face fewer adverse childhood experiences and demonstrate greater emotional stability.
However, circumstances can sometimes leave women raising single mothers, at least temporarily, due to one or a combination of life events like divorce, widowhood, and denied paternity. While single fatherhood is also common, research by Pew Research Center (pewresearch.org) suggests that single fathers are more likely than single mothers to enter new partnerships either through marriage or cohabitation implying they are not always entirely on their own.
Single mothers, on the other hand, are often the targets of some disparaging commentary and social insinuations and may have a harder time finding partners primarily due to some genuine concerns their potential suitors may have.
These concerns if confronted openly and dispassionately, can be better understood and managed making the transition into a new relationship smoother. I discuss below a few of such concerns I have observed.
Ties That Bind. Children will remain a link between the mother and father of those children (if they are separated or divorced) and co-parenting would require ongoing communication between these parents. Indeed, some of that communication may require physical meetings or visitations potentially resulting in the rekindling of what was thought to be an old and dead flame. As they say in the Ga language “Choo Oha Mi Laimomo”; and that is to say “old love never dies”. A beloved cousin from Naija put it more directly when she said, “Any knack that has ever been knacked can always be re-knacked again at any moment in the future once the knacker and knackee remain in constant touch and communication with each other”.
These concerns ultimately relate to loyalty and your man should have no reason to doubt where your loyalty lies. You ought to exercise tact and consistently demonstrate in deed and in word that your romantic and emotional commitment is resolutely to your new man and no one else. These include organising all such communication and interaction in an atmosphere of openness and candour and leaving no room for whatever suspicions may arise.
A Bond that May Break. Some men in the process of dating a single mum may form an intimate bond of love and friendship with your child. Indeed, some single mothers may naturally be pleased by their child’s fascination with a man they also find desirable. This not only makes their transition into the new relationship easier but that their child may likely not feel any sense of void occasioned by a potentially absentee father. Over time, and with the prodding of some extraneous influences, the child may reconnect with their biological father, deeply hurting the ego of their stepfather whose time and emotions may have been deeply vested in that relationship.
Such fears may inhibit your new man’s desire to build a relationship with your child and even lead to some pent-up resentment towards the child. The story is told of President Gerald R. Ford Jr (born Leslie Lynch King Jr) refusing to meet his biological father later in life, just out of loyalty to his stepfather Gerald Rudolph Ford Sr. It would be essential to encourage and guide your child to develop a respectful relationship with your new partner without feeling any obligation to choose sides.
Shared Attention. It is inconceivable that any healthy relationship should seek to diminish the bond a mother shares with her children. Even more absurd is the idea that a man who professes love for a woman would seek to keep her away from her kids. For many mothers, their children’s wellbeing will remain a central priority, and a new partner must accept and respect that reality.
While it would be a lot easier for a man with whom a woman shares her child’s parentage to accommodate this, a new man might feel a bit slighted and denied the full benefit of his woman’s emotional commitment to him. It would be important to play the careful balancing act of never reneging on your duty as a mother to your child but also demonstrating respect and unwavering commitment to your new man.
On the other hand, you should also manage the expectations regarding what role your new man will play in your child’s life. Indeed, a forced relationship may cause the child to develop some resentment toward their new dad or become flagrantly insolent or openly disrespectful of him.
Obsession with Monogamy. For many women, monogamy seems like the preferred relationship arrangement and quite understandably so. The idea of willfully sharing a man with another or other women is an almost crippling thought that many women including single mothers wouldn’t entertain. Some reject polygamous relationships for religious reasons while others prefer monogamy only because they value exclusivity. Islam permits a man to marry up to four wives and the Bible does not explicitly forbid polygamy. For some single mothers, a more realistic path to getting back into committed relationships and hopefully marrying will be for them to embrace polygamy. While this may seem controversial, some women are in fulfilled relationships and enjoy a dignified place in society after they embraced polygamy. It would be worth considering by most single mothers and taking the leap if you are at peace with the idea and the circumstances are right for you to do so.
Extra Baggage. In many parts of Africa and around the world, men are often expected to be the protector and provider for his family; consisting of his wife and any children they may have. Indeed, most adherents to any of the Abrahamic faiths subscribe to the notion of a man being the so-called head of the home. During the initial stages of all their overtures to you, many men appear to demonstrate their ability to handle these obligations, often as an indicator of what the future holds.
However, the involvement of a child from a previous relationship (especially if the child’s father is alive and well) imposes an extra financial burden even though the new partner may nonetheless be expected to contribute to their care. It is undeniable that the foremost priority of every single mother would be her children and it may seem the expedient thing to do in insisting that your new man must also assume the financial responsibility for their care. While some men may acquiesce, albeit reluctantly, others may find it quite a preposterous demand and walk.
Financial responsibility for your children should originate from a clean heart and be the outcome of unpretentious goodwill rather than an imposition. One way of is to demonstrate your own capacity to at least meet your children’s basic needs without necessarily depending on him or anyone. In this manner, the man would feel confident in getting on board with you to build a stable blended family whose needs are well taken care of.
That said, any man who genuinely wants to build a life with you should be willing to discuss and respect the responsibilities that may come with your existing family. Every single mother whether they are divorced, widowed, abandoned by a partner, or raising children without fathers deserves a life of love and companionship. Nonetheless, single mothers who want to pursue new relationships and start new families must confront these realities honestly and hopefully smoothen the transition to their new lives. Keep hope alive!
